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Friday, 24 March 2017

The Truth About My Life Now

Whenever I post something close to my heart, people seem to enjoy it more. So I've decided to write this post today.

Lately, my life has been rather confusing and hectic. I'm at the age where I can't quite figure myself out yet but I'm kind of getting there. I'm at a place where I'm fighting for myself every.single.day. 

I try to act tough everyday because I know I'm strong, but deep down, I'm vulnerable too. The truth is, when you've been strong for too long, you need a break from it. And that's where I am right now. I fight and I fight and I tell myself I can do it. But at the end of the day, my brain, my body, my soul - me - every single part of me is so tired. 

Tired from pretending. Tired from hurting. Tired from thinking. Tired from running away. 

This week has been one of the busiest weeks I've had so far. I've actually forgotten what it feels like to lose track of time. When I realized that today is Friday, my brain just could not fathom it at all. And today was just one of those days where everything just went South. I'm not going to lie, this month, I've had loads of days like that. 

People always see the happy side of me, the smiley side of me, the laughing side of me. That's because I choose to show that side of me. 

The truth is, I need a shoulder to cry on. 

I don't have many friends. I mean, I know lots of people but I can only call a few of them my friends. And all my friends who hold part of my heart are not here with me, which makes it that much more frustrating. 

It suffocates me.

I can't count how many times I've had difficulty breathing just because I need someone to talk to. Someone I can trust. Not someone who'll feed on my sorrow and then use it against me later. 

One thing you should know about me is that I've been betrayed so many times it's not even funny anymore. I find it hard to trust people. I'm open-minded and I'm good at meeting new people, don't get me wrong, and I can talk about almost anything to anyone. From past experiences to dirty jokes. 

However, I find it difficult to talk to people about my problems and share my feelings. That's why I turn to 2 of my best friends whenever I'm having a serious mental breakdown. And the fact that 2 of them are not here with me is just one of the saddest things ever. 

Today, one of my best friends texted me with encouraging and supportive words at the correct time. Like I said, today was one of those days where I'm just not feeling it. I got her text and I suddenly realized that I am a lot stronger than I used to be. I don't need other people to validate me because the truth is, I AM ALREADY DOING MY VERY BEST. 

And as long as I can see that, other people can too. And if they choose not to see it, it's absolutely not my problem. 

So, today, I want to thank absolutely everyone - whether you're my friend or not - who supports me in what I do, who supports my life, who makes me laugh and smile everyday. Thank you so so much. 

I don't take any single one of you for granted.