Where do I even begin?
Phew.
September was one hell of a month for me. I know I say this a lot but September was possibly my best and worst month altogether. In terms of career, it was amazing. I got to engage with loads more people, meet new clients, expose myself more to outside gigs, hung out with people in my field of work. I've learned a lot from different people last month.
Besides that, I also got to meet up with my close friends and family who got me out of my rut. Sometimes, when you feel like you can't tell anyone anything, turning to your family and friends does help. Even if you don't tell them the full story, they will still listen and try to understand (e.g. a little story in my previous post).
What really screwed me over last month was the fact that I was putting so much pressure on myself, which was completely unnecessary. I admit, I worried way too much. I compared myself way too much. Nothing was making me happy. I felt like a loser, a failure, when I saw all my friends around me evolving. I didn't tell anyone about the state I was in but I wasn't able to sleep at all most nights.
I had the most migraines I've ever had in my entire life in September. It was almost scary. I thought there was something wrong with me. I had been eating alright, exercising alright. But the stress couldn't go away and I couldn't sleep. See, in ONE month, I had to say goodbye to 4 of my closest friends, which was not easy. Changes and goodbyes are never easy. I don't like it. I hate it.
My mental state was already giving me very bad signals. In fact, my mental health deteriorated throughout the month. I was battling demons in my own head - created by myself. And that confused me so much. I was happy keeping myself busy, I felt the rush, but why did I feel like I was dead inside?
Towards the end of the month, I realized I wasn't doing anything that I love. I didn't pick up my camera, I didn't film at all, I didn't blog (I wrote a couple of stories here and there but I was preoccupied with some other things that were going on in my life, i.e. comparing myself to others).
It's like, everything is changing all of the sudden except me. I couldn't accept any of it. And on top of that, the partner that I work with on radio got into a car accident and scared me half to death when I found out he was injured and hospitalized. I wasn't ready for any of this. I'm still not! But thank God he recovered.
Needless to say, it was a very painful month for me. Lots and lots of tears shed, cutting cords with people who wasn't good for me anymore, battling some form of depression. Honestly, I am still picking myself up but I'm doing it with no tears. Pain really makes you become stronger. When you decide to be honest with yourself and open your eyes and heart, you feel the pain. And that's what will make you stronger eventually. I haven't healed completely, don't know when I will heal but I'm taking good care of myself lately.
So, here are a couple of things I'm going to emphasize on this month:
1. Chill and take care of my mental health
2. Embrace change. Look it in the eye and accept it
3. Focus A LOT on myself
4. Rest more
5. Not take things too seriously and just have fun with life
Because at the end of the day, life goes on. You're the only person that can truly make yourself happy. Life is short, do things that make you laugh and smile everyday. And just remember, we're all human beings. We feel sadness, pain, happiness...etc... It doesn't matter if you're Selena Gomez or Chris Evans. They're human as well, as far as I'm concerned. You're no different from them. So, don't be blinded by things or clouded by your own thoughts.
You do you. And you be happy!
Happy October, everyone.
